BFF break up: 5 lessons everyone can learn from 'platonic divorce'
By Dr Jemma Regan
A few years ago, I got divorced. The longest relationship of my life. 24 years of friendship.
Whilst not married in the traditional sense, I parted from a person who I’d shared a lifelong history of interests, experiences and laughter. We understood the complexities of dysfunctional maternal relationships; mine has bipolar depression, hers has schizophrenia. We met at age 4, went to different schools at age 8, wrote to each other for 4 years, until our paths crossed again for another 16 years.
What happened? Things had been stretched for a few years. I travelled the world, dipping in and out of the UK, she married young. Sounds clichéd, but our lives went on different paths. We wanted what the other had, but couldn’t find a way to live vicariously through each other. My ex-bbf became envious at my successes and let me down too many times. Sounds petty now, but the final straw was when she could not acknowledge, let alone celebrate my PhD Scholarship. Something so important to me and I had worked so hard to achieve. Something I know she too wanted so much.
I admit it hurt for years. I may laugh a little less now. But as I moved from the giggling schoolgirl I was then, to the established woman I am today, I learned a few lessons:
Everything changes. People, places, expectations, desires, hobbies, interests, circumstances. Some thrive and survive. Some stretch the elastic too far. Accept this as the course of nature, like changing of the seasons.
Start Act 2. If life were a play, this is the new act. Look forward to continuing the story with new characters. Experience evolution of your own character. Old friends can keep you in old ways. New friends will see you for who you are NOW and not expect you to be an old version of yourself.
Change expectations of relationships. I felt affronted because of my expectations. I felt let down too many times. I now place less expectations on another person. When friends can’t meet my needs, I don’t react with rejection but am learning to practice self-love.
Reach a fuller potential. We can reach the stars more easily without carrying others. For me, I was free to move forward in my career without the guilt that my successes were perceived by someone else as their own failures. I no longer had to play down my achieve
ments, or dull my light for fear of blinding those close to me.
Possibility for openness in new friendships. I realised how much my ex-BFF used to dominate conversations. I had a natural propensity to gravitate towards dominant personality types (I’m the youngest of three girls!). I am now liberated to being open to new types of quieter, gentler people and new types of friendship; those which allow me to express myself and share experiences in a more balanced way.
Like a first love, your first best friend is special. I still miss my ex-BFF, but I am now in a place of acceptance that the ‘divorce’ was necessary and part of a bigger plan.
