Let’s talk about depression NOW: 4 warning signs I learned from a friend’s suicide

By Dr Jemma Regan

A conversation has started. The death of Robin Williams, by suicide, has opened the mouths of the UK, the USA and the world.

But mouths are often tightly zipped shut leading up to the event, during the depression. This week’s public news, opens some very personal wounds. I lost a friend to suicide in December 2012 and myself at age 12, attempted suicide. I reflect on the warning signs I saw in my friend leading up to her death, and encourage all: don’t be afraid to ask ‘are you ok?’

It is sad. Sad that the world has lost a figure who made many people smile, in such a tragic way. What’s sadder is it has taken the death by of a high profile celebrity to get people talking, REALLY TALKING, about depression. We respond with passion after the event. The common response is shock. Common questions are ‘how can someone who has everything have depression? and ‘could this have been prevented?’.

Depression is very personal; some people in the public eye share their depression publically, Stephen Fry and the late Robin Williams. Some people, like my friend, are very private and never confide in anyone. I only knew her for a year, but I was less shocked by her suicide, than some of our other friends. She often said how great her life was and how lucky she was to be able to have a great job and afford to travel several times a year. On reflection, I realised I had noticed signs that others hadn’t as a result of my early personal experiences and later, my professional training.

Here are some things I noticed about my friend’s behaviour leading up to her death:

Withdrawn: She was sociable and smiling, but I noticed she was also withdrawn within the crowd; sometimes sitting separately on her own for a short while or walking off by herself, when the group were together.

Anxious behaviours: When sharing a car ride together, I noticed she was scratching the back of the neck and it was red and sore, suggesting a frequent anxiety behaviour.

Recent illness: A recent stomach operation meant she couldn’t engage in her usual coping mechanisms, of hiking in the mountains. Walking was a massive part of her life and her recovery meant lots of time resting at home where she lived alone, increasing feelings of isolation and depression.

Distracted/Frequent text messaging/phone: The last time I saw her was for my 30th birthday meal in December when she was texting on her phone all evening and went home early in a distracted state. Speaking to friends afterwards who knew her better, they commented that they thought it was because she had met a recent partner.

Perhaps if I responded to these observations when I noticed them, she could have shared her depression publically, but my mouth was zipped shut. I shared these thoughts recently with another friend of mine who recently lost a colleague to suicide…

Yet another conversation after the event.

Let’s start talking

NOW.